Beautifully Flawed
By Mandy Woodhouse
Wow, I realized today, Saturday the 29th of December 2007, that
I am truly flawed.
I had brunch with my dear friend Kia today. We often try to meet
up once a week or at least a fortnight to chat about life. I
love meeting with Kia because it's one of those great
friendships that's just not hard (well, it shouldn't be hard
after having shared a room for two years!). I always enjoy
meeting up with Kia, and today was much overdue.
We chatted about all sorts of things, or should I say I chatted
about all sorts of things. However, it was at a specific
point.45 minutes into the meeting after all my eggs were gone
and she had licked all the yoghurt off her spoon while I played
with the burnt crusts of my left over toast and our skin tingled
as it baked in the beach sun. when I realized that my meeting
with Kia had been just that. MY time with Kia. I found myself
asking her (finally) how she was doing and if she enjoyed
Christmas and how long her break was for and what Church service
she'd be at over the weekend and if she was planning on going to
be on the beach all of that afternoon. I didn't feel guilty or
obliged (I love Kia and was genuinely interested in her day),
but that's when it hit me. The revelation was quite firm and
heavy, yet it was also a refreshing wave that came crashing down
on me I am flawed.
Before I go any further, I just want to make it very clear that
I haven't spent 29 years thinking that I am perfect. In fact,
I've probably spent my first 19 years of life thinking that I
was screwed up. I went on to spend the next 5 years thinking
that no one could see my imperfections if I just became a
"leader" in Church, or a pastor or minister of some sort (yes
yes I know, flawed AND daft), and then I spent the last 3 years
in Australia struggling to renew my mind and unravel the heavily
twisted knot of lies that I had always been told and believed
about myself, especially the lie that I had something to prove
to make up for my failures. So when I say at age 29 that I am
"flawed," what I'm really saying is that I am actually learning
to be FREE.
I had a conversation awhile back with my amazing husband about
our sin nature. I remember quoting something that I had heard at
one of my past Churches back home that I thought was quite
profound. The quote, which I was certain would impress my
husband, actually showed the measure to which I believed lies in
my heart. The quote, which I had thought brought me freedom,
actually confirmed a lie that I had believed about my identity
in Christ. Since that time, while I'm sure my amazing man has
prayed for my "lights to come on" so to speak, I have wrestled
with pride.
Perhaps author Beth Moore puts it best: "The most effective
means the enemy has to keep believers from being full of the
Holy Spirit is to keep us full of ourselves." Jeremiah 49:16
says that the pride in your heart deceives you. I always thought
that being "full of yourself" meant either thinking too highly
of yourself (conceit or vanity), or putting down on yourself
(false humility). But what I've been learning lately is that our
heart deceives us when we fight in our own strength to hide or
justify the very thing that Jesus died to set us free from our
flawed selves.
Too much of my life has been spent trying to prove that I am
"above" my flaws, hence putting a pressure on myself that has
often had me internally tied in knots, even literally sick in
bed. Somehow my mind knew that I was flawed, but the lie I had
believed said that since I am now a "saint" in Christ (and a
Church LEADER at that), I was only expected to sin occasionally.
As you can imagine, this is hellish torture for someone as
selfish as me! And I use the term "hellish" because that's
exactly where the lie and torture belongs in the pits of hell.
I've also been reading a book called "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald
Miller. If you haven't read it, you simply must. This book is a
God-send for me because the author is so incredibly real.
Personally, I've never lied about my failures; I've just learned
to manipulate and use my flaws to make me appear to be "real,"
therefore a more noble "leader", which then (in my twisted
thoughts) somehow may prove to others that I am "ok" despite my
failures, if that makes sense. Little did I realize that I was
metaphorically returning the chains to my wrists and ankles that
Jesus had already taken off of me. "God's most liberated
servants are those who also know they have nothing to prove"
(Beth Moore again).
I just read Romans chapters 7 & 8 with new eyes. "I know that
nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I
have the desire to do good but I cannot carry it out. What a
wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of death?
Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
As one of my favorite pastors once spontaneously shouted out at
me in a Bible College lecture, "YOU WILL STUFF UP! YOU WILL MAKE
MISTAKES! Your only hope is GRACE." And it's because of this
grace that I can say over and over again, I am flawed, I am
flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am
flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am
flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed, I am flawed!
I'm really glad that I had brunch with Kia today. I'm glad my
husband has been praying for me, and I'm glad for books like
"Blue Like Jazz." I'm glad that I can admit to you that I'm
selfish. I can openly say that I usually think about my own
pleasures, I am a coward when it comes to confrontation, and I
often worry too much what others think of me. I am FLAWED and
that fact makes Jesus (and myself) so much more beautiful to me
J
Mandy Woodhouse is just a normal girl living in Sydney,
Australia, who loves Jesus and wants to honor Him with her
writing and with her life.
